|
treybarker1027
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Trey
Country: United States
State: West Virginia
Metro: Huntington
Birthday: 10/27/1988
Gender: Male
Interests: i love Jesus Christ more than anything in the world, i love my family and my church, i like to play tennis, i like to tell people about Jesus, and i'm just a fun-loving guy.
Expertise: i'm sort of weird...i work at it though. i have a part-time job.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Christianity
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  treybarker27
MSN: treybarker27@hotmail.com
Member Since:
9/1/2005
|
|
| 3:00 AM always gives me the time to reflect on memories. I can not remember the last time I was asleep before now. I can't sleep, so I just sit and ponder all the "what ifs" in life.
Almost 1 year ago, I lost the most amazing girl in the world. She was a tremendous influence in my life and I will never forget the impact she had on me. I came from a wonderful childhood and pretty great teenage life. My senior year everything just started to go downhill.
The second week of my senior year a good friend of mine passed away from leukemia. He was only 17. My friends and I mourned over the loss of our friend and I had to be the rock. Everyone knew me for my faith in Christ, and it wasn't until then that I realized how much of an influence I really had over them. They turned to me for trust and companionship to get through the rough. Looking back on things now, I realize that I played a large role in their healing process. I started to grow stronger in my walk with God and things seemed to be getting better.
The third week into September caught me off guard. My youth pastor of nearly 4 years suffered numerous head and bone injuries from a nearly fatal car wreck. He was life-flighted to a nearby city and rushed to intensive care. About 5 days later he passed. He was my mentor and my best friend. Although I really don't understand the reason for his death, I know there is one. How unlikely that God would take such a wonderful person who meant so much to so many individuals.
Before he died, actually the night of the wreck, my father announced him and my mother would not be staying together. Infuriation swept over me. Never have I ever been so angry with anyone in my entire life. My father and God were both on equal turf from that moment on. I hated both. I tried so hard not to hate God... but it was hard.
The next couple months went by with me trying to heal, without any improvement. Two days after Christmas my father moved out. New Years came and went and I decided my life would be better since 2006 was over and done with. Life got a little better. Just not good enough for me.
I tried to gain the strength back I had initially to trust God, and I did to an extent, just not as much as I needed. I graduated with honors and my name throughout the graduation agenda several times. Class President, Leader of the Pledge of Allegiance, Class Prayer, and Exchanger of the Tassels were a few of my titles. My family was proud, as were my friends. To this day I look back and think what a wonderful life I really did have, despite all the negative things that had happened.
My father eventually moved back home, and my mother being the ultimate example of Christ's forgiveness took him back. With loving arms, my entire family welcomed him home. I even forgave him.
Life began to become less serious for me, and I started living on the edge. Drinking became a regular exciting game, and not too far into college I experimented with marijuana. I eventually gave up on the hardcore party-boy image and got back into church. My heart was never there.
January of 2008 rolled around all too quickly and something happened. This incredible girl walked straight into my life and even now I have no idea why she chose me. This girl fits the definition of beauty to a tee. She has the most amazing heart and loves Jesus more than most 18 year olds ever have. She was special. Unlike any girl I have ever met.
She changed my life dramatically over the next few months. She taught me to be me again. I wanted to be myself. I went back to my original roots. I fell so madly in love with her and could never stop thinking about her. Something had to go wrong though. A case like this was so rare for me and I never understood why it was so good.
I gave up making an effort with us, because everything seemed so natural. I didn't try anymore and I thought it was too easy. She began to be unhappy. I sensed the change in our relationship and never bothered to do anything about it. My maturity with relationships at the time was so childlike. I'd never had a relationship last longer than three months, and now I was in college trying to pursue an adult relationship.
We ended things on a sad note. With much disagreement on my end, we left each other. I tried to stay in contact and eventually gave up, thinking I could get over her. Well, if you've ever met someone you just know you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with that just doesn't happen.
Over the past year, I've grown to love Christ even more than I ever have. For the longest time I thought I had moved on. Now, almost 1 year after we parted ways I know that now more than ever I love her. More love than one person should be able to have for another human being. She is the air that moves through my lungs. Without her I feel so dead.
She's a writer. Incredibly gifted and so intelligent, I feel embarrassed to write my feelings. I've tried to get her back, maybe not hard enough.... But, I'm lost as where to go now. I'm afraid she will meet someone else and marry and have a wonderful family. If that's the case, I will live with it. I just won't want to.
So, to her I say this : If you ever read this, I want you to know I love you. Your beauty exceeds all other beauty God has ever created. You light up even the darkest places and you stole my heart. You make me laugh when no one else can. There's so much I want to say to you, but mostly I just want to hold you and know that you're mine. I sincerely hope and still continue to pray that God will lead us back to one another. Until that day, take care and don't forget the man whose heart you still have a tight grip on. | | |
| I feel so drained lately. Just absolutely worn out from everything. Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually... I'm hanging by a thread. I can't wait for Christmas break and for this semester to be over. Life shouldn't be so lame right now, because I've basically got everything I could ever want. I'm loving college, mascotting is great, family is wonderful, church is incredible, but there's still something missing.
Alyssa is my air. Without her I feel so alone. There have been girls I have had feelings for in the past, but Alyssa is so different. I never ever believed in "the one," until now. I know what it's like to meet your soul mate. I know what it's like to be in a relationship with them. I know how it feels to kiss them. I miss her. She's everything to me, and she just doesn't understand that God introduced us to each other for a very very specific reason.
I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, and she's just so hard to reach right now. Somethings not right, and I can't figure it out. I think she thinks I'm obsessing, and I know I am to an extent, but it's not like that. I know what I want and I'll give her all the time in the world to figure out the things she needs to figure out. I wish I wouldn't have let her go so easily.
It reminds me of that song "If I could turn back time" and how horrible it feels when you know you've screwed something up so bad that it can only take a miracle to change it. I'm sickened by the thought of me losing her. It literally makes me want to vomit. I hate myself so badly sometimes.
I am continuing to pray for her daily. I will not give up on her. She doesn't even know how much she means to me, but she really has ahold of my heart and doesn't even realize it. Every time she steps away from me my heart goes farther away. Please help me God. I want her back. | | |
| So, I recently wrote a post on facebook that talked about how I'm fasting dating for an entire year. I will admit, some part of this decision is because I want to wait and give Alyssa time, but another huge part is that the time I could be spending on a relationship will be put into God. So far, I'm struggling. Not with wanting to date. But, I miss Alyssa so much. I just want to hold her.
It's pretty sad really, that I haven't even gone a month yet with this decision and I'm already wanting to be with her so badly. She just doesn't want a relationship. I know though, that she is the girl God has created me to be with. She is the "one".... if there is such a thing. I used to say I didn't believe in the "one," but I know now that Alyssa is the only girl I am meant to be with. I truly love her with every ounce of my being.
I drove around tonight, and I drove past her house....I didn't mean to seem so stalkerish, just that being so close to her made me feel like I'm not alone.
I wanted to see her so badly tonight, but I knew that she wouldn't be up. I really needed her to pray with me. I know she would, if she could have. I need her in my life, she's my air. I don't know why I wrote this, but I needed to get some words off my mind. That's all.... Night
| | |
| Heidi Newfield sings this song, "Johnny and June" and I'm sure you've heard it. I'm listening to it right now, and I'm confused. Don't get me wrong, I love the lyrics... "When you're gone, I wanna go to" and "They'll remember a love like this." Johnny and June definitely had their share of problems and their relationship was very risky for a long period of time. Do I agree with the risks they took? Not all of them. I wouldn't cheat on my spouse for one, but the passion they held for one another definitely gets me going. I want to love like that.
Today, I got to experience something I'd been missing for a long time. I got to sit and talk with my Cinderella for the first time in a long time. It gives me hope. We've talked since we ended things, but not like today. Today was different, we sat together and enjoyed each other's company. I was really early for class and I was waiting downstairs on the elevator reading the newspaper, and I turned around and she was standing there. She was on the phone and immediately hung up and came over and hugged me when she saw me.
She looked so beautiful today. Not any different than she normally does, she just took my breath away. That's never been hard for her to do. I miss her companionship and her touch. I miss her zest for life and her kind-natured heart. The funny thing was that I was eating lunch with one of my friends earlier and I told her that I really hoped she was worth waiting on. I didn't expect to see her almost 20 minutes after that conversation, let alone, sit down and talk with her.
I really do love her, and I want her to be in my arms again. I am going to fight for her, and I know that God willing, I will get her back. Until that day, I'm going to continue waiting. I've waited an entire summer, and I'm pretty sure I can wait much longer than that, considering I can't watch a whole movie all the way through. I'm so impatient. God has truly given me the gift of patience and hope for this situation.
I'm so tired though, and I believe I'm ready for bed. Night all, God bless.
| | |
| I can't believe that it's been so long since I first started using xanga, and yes I'm very sorry I've neglected it for so long. I've been subject to the facebook generation.
Once upon a time there was this girl. She was a beautiful girl and everyone loved her. Her friend invited her to a wrestling tournament in which she was going to meet a guy for a date. The beautiful girl tagged along and sat with her friend and her friend's date. Another boy showed up and they ended up sitting together. Their conversation began and didn't stop. The boy had this weird feeling that he was already falling in love with her. It was such a funny feeling for him, because he didn't believe in love at first site.
Their evening ended and they said their goodbyes. A few days later they had dinner together, just the two of them. They found out things about each other that they liked. They had the same taste in food, music, and just about everything else they talked about. The boy didn't want to leave her side by the end of the night, and he was pretty sure she felt the same way, although he didn't understand why.
They planned for a second date and the boy came up with a wonderful idea of where to take her. The girl used to ice skate competitively and the boy thought it would be a great idea to take her to skate, because he knew she hadn't in a long time. They had an incredible night and he was acting like a teenage boy because he actually got to hold her hand. This night, he knew that he was going to marry this girl.
Their relationship began and they were both enjoying every minute of it. The next few months flew by and it was time for the girl to attend the ball. She invited the boy to the dance and they had an incredible time. The night ended and the clock struck midnight. Little did the boy know that the next few weeks would prove to be very trying for their relationship. Things got harder and they had to go their separate ways. The boy hated it, and he knew he had messed things up.
Summer passed and they spoke rarely. He was quite convince he was over the love he held for her, until one day he saw her from a distance. She was walking and looked just the way she always did. He missed her. He missed her laughter, her scent, and her humor. He tried his best to get her back, and she resisted every way she could. She did however, tell him that she missed him too. He was overjoyed. He wrote to her, and began waiting on her. He waited and waited. In fact, he is still waiting and knows that she will come around eventually. He knows that she knows she's meant to be with him and so he keeps waiting.
One day he will be able to hold her again and he won't let her go. His Cinderella is finding her way back to him, and until then he will wait. He will patiently and hopefully wait.
| | |
|
